


The Fire Is In Our Pants

by brokenhighways



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Magic, Wizards, boy band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:19:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared still has a lot to learn concerning his magic wand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fire Is In Our Pants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [linvro21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/linvro21/gifts).



> Notes: Title (and line) is shamelessly stolen from Happy Endings, because I miss it. Written for [](http://linvro21.livejournal.com/profile)[ **linvro21**](http://linvro21.livejournal.com/) ’s prompt {[x](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/14789.html?thread=137157#t137157)} on the [](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/profile)[ **j2_crack**](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/) [enchantment gone wrong meme](http://j2-crack.livejournal.com/14789.html). 
> 
> Thank you to Becky & Sarah for indulging my brand of crazy and helping me out!

  
  
  
  
The day that Jared finds out he's a wizard, Jensen drives to Target and buys all of the smoke alarms, extinguishers, fire blankets and hoses that they have. Or well, he tries to. The bored man at the till confiscates most of it, and looks at Jensen as if his face is green. This would be hilarious if Jensen hadn't actually spent a week with green skin a few months ago. Of all the people to fall in love with, Jensen had picked a boyish wizard who had been a general hazard before he'd found out that he had powers.  
  
Before Jared had received a wand.  
  
A  _wand_.  
  
It arrived in the post.  _The post_. It arrived in a green (of course) envelope, along with a note that stated ‘This wand is hereby given to Jared Padalecki. May you enjoy your future wizard endeavours!’.  
  
Wizard. Endeavours. Wizard. Jared was a  _wizard_?!  
  
Yeah, Jensen’s still getting to grips with the whole thing. With a long suffering sigh, he pays for his shit and leaves.  
  
Jared, of course, is less than impressed with Jensen's purchases. He actually pouts. It should look ridiculous, what with Jared's floppy brown hair, and wide hazel eyes and the fact that he's 6 foot 1,000,000, but Jensen just finds it cute. Cute.  Naturally, Jared opens his mouth and ruins it all.  
  
"Really?" Jared says in the voice that he usually reserves for when he's fucking pissed. Usually this would be the point where something random fell off a wall or onto Jensen's head, or worse, some part of Jensen’s anatomy would turn green. But nothing happens. Yet. "Do we really need  _sixteen_  fire alarms,  _twenty seven_  fire blankets and fifteen extinguishers? I can use my magic to put any fires out."  
  
"Oh, I bet you can," Jensen mutters to himself. Unfortunately, Jared hears and he puffs out his chest.  
  
"Challenge," he says, grinning at Jensen's now blank face, "Accepted."  
  
Jensen wonders if it's too late for him to accept Jesus as his saviour, he really does.  
  
He wonders long enough for him to miss Jared waving his wand and chanting out some sort of spell, long enough for him to not really notice that his  _fucking arm is on fire_.  
  
"Oh my God," Jared says, before chanting out something else. A stream of confetti explodes across the room and Jensen gapes. He hopes that none of the confetti is fucking flammable.  
  
"My arm,” Jensen says. "Is on fire."  
  
"I can see that!" Jared cries, still waving his wand around.  
  
"Get one of the fucking extinguishers," Jensen says. " _Now_!"  
  
"Hold on, let me try the reversal spell one more time."  
  
"Okay," Jensen says. "This is the part where I start screaming."  
-  
  
Luckily for Jensen, his arm makes it out intact. When Jared finds out that the doctor had said that his jacket had probably saved his arm from being badly damaged, he beams.   
  
"I bought you that jacket," he says with a grin.  
  
"Yeah," Jensen replies. "And you also set my arm on fire." Jared's face falls, and the doctor eyes them warily. The doctor then does a double take.  
  
"Sir, are you feeling okay?" He asks. "You look a little green. Actually, you look really green. Wow." Before he can say anymore, the doctor suddenly drops to the ground. Jensen turns to look at Jared, whose wand is still held aloft in the doctor's direction.  
  
"He'll be fine," Jared says, which can mean a number of things. Fine to Jared, is not, and will  _never_   be fine to another person. Now that Jensen knows that it is down to Jared's wizardry, he finds it more annoying that endearing.  
  
A large packet of Reese's pieces suddenly appears in Jensen's lap. Without looking up, he knows that Jared's probably got the puppy dog eyes out in full force. With a sigh, he opens up the comforter and gestures for Jared to climb in.  
  
Five minutes later when the doctor wakes up, and can only say things in Japanese; Jensen shoves Jared out of the bed.  
  
-  
  
The thing about Jared is that in many ways, he's basically an overgrown man child, who views the world as a playground full of candy. He’s an artist, and well, Jensen’s aware the some artists have quirkiness about them. In Jared’s case, the quirkiness and weirdness is amped up to what seems to be an infinite amount. This leads to a lot of situations that Jensen would rather not be. It's not to say that he isn't smart, it's just a case of getting him to learn how to focus his energy on one thing at a time. So while Jensen recuperates, he gets their friends Danneel and Chad to make sure that Jared learns how to cast spells from that huge ass spell book he got. Again, that was sent via the post.  
  
Apparently, Wizardry isn't big on instruction manuals.  
  
Now, Jensen knows what Chad is like. He’s the kind of guy who'll make Jared light fireworks and make him some sort of special 3D boob detecting glasses. So he sends along Danneel to keep an eye on things.  
  
That turns out to be a big mistake.  
  
"Oh my God," Danneel is saying, as the three of them return back to the house. Jensen is supposed to be at the medical center getting his arm looked at it, but he'd been let go early. So he sits on the couch and listens to the conversation, eyebrow raised in anticipation.  
  
"Did you see the look on that old woman's face when Jared made that skin mag come to life. I mean, okay so there were children and it wasn't really appropriate, but her face!"  
  
The loud laughter from the hallway dies down pretty quickly when the three of them catch sight of Jensen's face. Chad and Danneel, cowards that they are, mumble their excuses quickly and leave.  
  
Jared looks at him sheepishly, and waves his wand. There's a loud pop and Jensen looks down to see that his perfectly normal sneakers have been replaced by what looks like tulips. He has flowers on his feet.  
  
 _Flowers_.  
  
"I want my damn shoes back," he says. Jared waves his wand again, and Jensen finds himself in hot pink cowboy boots.  
His groan of frustration is audible.  
  
-  
  
Jared promises to focus on learning the pertinent spells ( _without_  Chad and Danneel’s help, because they obviously cannot be trusted) and for a short while, it seems as though he’s trying. He doesn’t set Jensen on fire again, and Jensen doesn’t experience any of his green spells. In this case a short while is two weeks, which is generally the longest time that Jared can focus of any long term goal.  
  
Shortly after that Jared starts to lose control of his wand yet again. They get caught in a heavy rainstorm one evening as they’re walking back from the store. Usually, they’d have taken Jensen’s car, but Jared had turned it into a giant banana that Jensen was currently hiding in their garage.  
  
“Could you maybe magic up a couple of umbrellas?” Jensen says stupidly. “Actually never mind we’ll just—“  
  
Jared’s already waving his wand and suddenly the rain stops.  _Huh_ , Jensen thinks. Right before something lands on his head. As he reaches up to grab it he sees that it’s a tiny, Borrower-sized china dog. He turns to look and Jared, and finds Jared holding an armful of the things.  
  
“Did you just make it rain cats and dogs?” Jensen is kind of dumbfounded. And very, very glad that none of these objects appear to be alive.  
  
“They’re so cute!” Jared says excitedly. “Can we keep them?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“But I can make a shelf for them and—“  
  
“ _No_.”  
  
Jensen’s hands are green for the rest of the day.  
  
-  
  
Despite Jensen’s misgivings about unleashing Jared on any unsuspecting members of the public, they both attend Chad’s birthday party. Jensen decides to put Chad in charge of cutting Jared off after his second drink. Chad scoffs and says, “Don’t you think you’re being a little pedantic?”  
  
“You’re not the one who turns a different shade of green depending on Jared’s mood,” Jensen counters. “I think I’m  _allowed_  to be a little pedantic.”  
  
Hours later, when Jensen’s hanging out with Danneel in the kitchen, Chad comes racing in, and yells for Jensen to maybe get Jared home because-he’s-waving-his-wand-and-weird-shit-is-happening-and-there’s-a-HUGE-as-fuck-spider-in-the-fucking-bathroom-and—“  
  
“Slow down, Chad,” Danneel says in an amused tone. “Where’s the fire?”  
  
Two things happen at that moment in time. Jared emerges from the front room, and throws an arm around Chad. His other arm brandishes his wand in Jensen’s direction. Jensen’s shirt vanishes, leaving him sitting there in Chad’s kitchen,  _shirtless_. Jared’s shirt also disappears and Danneel bursts into a loud fit of laughter.  
  
“THE FIRE IS IN OUR PANTS!” Jared practically yells, while Danneel wipes tears from her face and mumbles something about needing her camera. Jared somehow ends up in Jensen’s lap, which would be cool and all, except for the part where they’re surrounded by a bunch of people that they don’t really know.  
  
Someone wanders into the kitchen.  
  
“Hey, where’s the dude with the wand? He promised us a kick ass foam party.”  
  
Jared waves his wand absentmindedly and it starts to snow. Danneel’s laughing so hard that she’s clutching her sides and wincing in pain. Chad just looks mortified. Jensen tries to knock himself out by banging his head on the table repeatedly, but Jared keeps on trying to kiss him.  
  
And well, no one can blame Jensen for giving in and reciprocating eventually.  
  
-  
  
The next incident occurs in McDonald’s. Jared swings by to collect Jensen from work (he’s back doing half-days until his arm is back to normal). Anyway, the screaming kids and giggling teens aren’t a huge enough deterrent when Jared suddenly decides that he wants fries. Jensen gives in after two minutes (as always) because a hungry Jared is an extra clumsy Jared. Besides, what could go wrong? Jared might lack tact, but he’s not going to start waving his wand around in McDonald’s of all places.  
Jensen apparently underestimates just how hungry Jared is.  
  
“This line is ridiculous,” Jared grumbles. “How long does it take to serve up a couple of burgers and shakes, geez.” Jensen could give Jared his  _McDonald’s workers are people too_  speech, but he doesn’t. Jared takes this as a cue for him to carry on ranting.  
  
“Seriously, it’s 2013; technology and magic are too advanced for people to have to wait more than five minutes to be served!” Jared’s voice is getting louder now, and Jensen sighs. He steps back quietly so that he’s behind Jared, and does his best to pretend like he doesn’t know Jared. Jensen’s so busy whistling and looking elsewhere that he misses the part where Jared takes out his wand, waves it, and  _freezes_  the line, the workers, and every fucking person in the restaurant.  
  
“What the hell, Jared!!!” is Jensen’s inelegant response. But Jared’s already sauntering to the counter, he slaps down a five dollar bill and actually scoops fries into two of the medium sized boxes, grabs a shitload of ketchup and then saunters back over to Jensen.  
  
“You ready to go?” he asks nonchalantly, chewing on his fries as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.  
  
“Can you unfreeze all of these people, please?” Jensen asks tiredly. Jared hands Jensen the fries to hold, retrieves his wand and waves it, chanting out a quick spell. It works, for once, but the silence remains. Jensen turns to see that the previously screaming kids and the previously giggling teens are sitting in their booths with dazed look on their faces.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Jared says as he pockets his wand. “The magic will wear off in three hours.”  
  
Just for that, Jensen knocks over his fries.  
  
“Ten-second rule!” Jared waves his wand at the fries and out of nowhere a large pick-up truck crashes into the front of the store.  
  
“Dammit, Jared!”  
  
~  
  
“Are you still mad?” Jared asks hours later despite the fact that he  _knows_  the answer.  
  
“Jensen.”  
  
“Jenseeeeeeeen.”  
  
“Jen!”  
  
“Jennnyyyyy!”  
  
“Jenny bean?”  
  
“Dearest, Green Bean?”  
  
Jensen stays over at Danneel’s place that night.  
  
-  
  
Two days after the McDonald’s incident, and a day after Jensen comes back home, Jensen wakes up to find that every wallpaper in the house has turned black. The stereo is on and slow, familiar music is floating through the room.  
  
"Is this Celine Dion?!" Jensen says.  
  
"I'm giving up magic," Jared says. "My heart feels black, void of all emotion, but as long as I have you, Jensen, my heart will go on." Jared starts to sing, and white strobe lights hit the living room, basking Jared in light. Jensen’s also pretty sure that wind is blowing in from somewhere, making Jared’s hair look ten times more ridiculous that it does already.  
  
 _Neaaaar, faaaar, whereveeeerrrrrrrrrrrr you areeeeee_  
  
And while Jensen loves Jared, he definitely does not, repeat not, love his singing. Unfortunately for him, Jared is apparently ready to perform the entire song. In an act of desperation and self-preservation, Jensen picks up the discarded wand and waves it.  
  
Everything goes blank.  
  
-  
  
When Jensen comes to, the room is back to normal.  Well, everything apart from the ceramic bell hovering two feet above his head.  
It blinks as Jensen looks at it, and then it smirks at him. Not only does this usually inanimate object have  _eyes_ , it has a  _mouth_. Jensen doesn't have any time to scream before the fucking thing rings loudly, right there in his face. Jared comes rushing into the room, with a scared, panicked look on his face.  
  
"What's wrong?" Jensen asks, because he hates seeing Jared look so down.  
  
"You picked up the wand!" Jared exclaims. "And then you turned this really violent shade of green, before you passed out. I thought I'd lost you forever. The gnomes called me a c-"   
  
"Whoa, whoa," Jensen interjects. "How long was I out for?"  
  
"Four minutes," Jared says. "I asked Tinker Bell – the bell - to let me know when you came to. I was in the garden asking the gnomes for advice."  
  
 _Jared named his bell…Tinker Bell?_  
  
Jensen suddenly wishes that he was very, very drunk.  
  
-  
  
In the end Jensen has to compromise. Mostly because his skin turns green when Jared is upset with him (while Jared's weird paintings sell for ridiculous prices, Jensen likes having his own job and his own money, he doesn’t think that his boss would listen if Jensen showed up with permanently green skin) and partly because it’s obvious that Jared needs some sort of magical outlet. He tells Jared that he can practice his magic in their attic, provided that he shelters the place first. The rest of the house (and world) is off limits. Jared is very agreeable once he sees that Jensen isn't angry anymore. And when Jensen pulls him in for a long, drawn out kiss he can practically feel the heat pouring of Jared. It's almost as if his boyfriend has turned into a hummingbird. Of course there's a loud crack, and smoke starts to ascend up from beneath the lampshade.  
  
Jared's scrambling around with his wand, but Jensen knows what's coming next.  
  
Fifteen seconds later, all five of the alarms that he'd set up in the living room go off. It's a horrible screeching sound, so loud that it echoes off the walls. One minute after that, the alarms stop and music notes float out of the end of Jared's wand. Closely followed by five guys who look like they belong in a 90s boy band.  
  
A closer look leads Jensen to discover that they  _are,_  in fact, a 90s boy band. As they break into a weird dance routine and music filters into the room, Jared sighs loudly.  
  
"I knew that watching that boy band special on VH1 was a bad idea," he says.  
  
Jensen doesn't even have it in himself to at least pretend to be flabbergasted.  
  
"I'm going out," Jensen says. "Please, please, please, make sure that 'N Sync are gone by then. Jared's too busy dancing along to  _No Strings Attached_  to hear him. And when he grabs Jensen and twirls him around, Jensen decides to give in and dance with him.  
  
 _ **Fin.**_


End file.
